Zombie
by MASC
Summary: A short story that takes place one night when all the world is infected by a strange virus that turns people into the undead. Now the boys must defend themselves at all costs and most importantly, save Rick's bottom! My 1st YO fic so don't expect much.


_**A/N: Okay, folks. This is my first attempt at a Young Ones fic so those of you loaded with flames better scram. **_

_**DISCLAIMER: I don't own a damn thing… nachos rule. **_

**THE YOUNG ONES**

**IN:**

"**ZOMBIE"**

One night, those loveable and laughable buffoons known to most as the "Young Ones" were at home, spending their Saturday evening without a date and without a clue as to what was happening in the world around them.

"Boring!" Vyvyan, the spiky-haired punk snarled as he flipped through the channels on their worn out and beaten television set. "It's the same bloody thing on every channel! "A hazardous virus has spread amongst the world's major cities" and "Reports of flesh eating zombie-like creatures attack the streets." Rubbish!"

"Y'know, Vyvyan…" Neal, the burned-out hippie of the group said in his usual low and depressed demeanor. "Maybe we should pay attention to what the newscasters are saying. I mean, if it's not so important then why are all the channels showing it?"

"Because they're fascists!" Rick, the crazed militant and Cliff Richard worshipper butted into the conversation. "They want us to watch these so-called reports of aggression and violence so they can scare us into not leaving our homes! They want to rule the country behind our backs while we're sitting at home, sipping cognac by the fireplace and listening to out of date Glenn Frey cassettes!"

"But, Rick, we don't have a fireplace." Neal pointed out.

"Shut up, Neal. I'm being metaphorical. And what's more, I don't like you. Turn your face around and get a new one." 

Just then, Mike the self-proclaimed Cool Person of the group entered the rundown building they called home and greeted his friends with a nod and a wink.

"Evening, gents." He shot them a smile. "I tell ya, it's horrible out there. People running along the streets, screaming and breaking windows like it's the end of the world or something."

Neal was intrigued. "Really? What's going on?"

"The end of the world, Neal. I wish you'd pay attention. What I have to say just might save your life. And if it doesn't, I'll learn from my mistake and save _my_ life."

The "Cool Person" pulled up a chair and sat next close to his friends as they huddled around in a circle, awaiting the news.

"Word on the street is that some coats down in the labs let loose a virus that turns people into children of the night." Mike began explaining.

"What, you mean like ravers?" Neal scratched his head.

"Yeah, that's good Neal. Only a lot less scarier but a lot more meaner and a stronger case of the munchies."

Vyvyan suddenly got excited. "Are you talking about flesh eaters, Mike? Bottom biters? Knicker nibblers?"

Rick immediately jumped up and placed his hands over his rear. "Absolutely under _no_ condition will any member of the undead feast upon my bottom!"

"All right, calm down Rick!" Mike slightly raised his voice. "Your bottom's perfectly safe. It's our brains they'll be after."

"No! Not my brain!" The idiot in the black blazer cupped his hands over his head. "I _need _that brain! It's what sets me apart from the rest of you lot!"

"How'd you figure that out, then?"

"Well for one thing, I'm a whole lot smarter than you!"

Vyvyan slammed his head into the coffee table, breaking it in half and scoffed at Rick's presumption. "Ha! Smarter!? _You_!? There's a whole list of who's smart and who's not! We're at the top of the list, by "we" I mean Mike and myself, with Neal coming after a packet of crisps, then a sack of dirty laundry, a one-eyed monkey, a syphilitic gym teacher with a botched lobotomy, a pile of dog poo and _then_ you!"

"Oh is that what you think, is it!?" Rick stood up, doing his arms-to-hips pose. "Because I'll tell you right now that you're absolutely, positively 100 percent wrong!"

The front door then busted open, startling the four men as they jumped up from their seats and cowered behind the sofa. Just then their landlord, Jerzy Balowski, waddled into the house and looked around to find his tenants cowering in fear.

"Here, what's all this then?" The man in the black suit asked. "The rent's not due for another week, y'know! Silly boys! Trying to hide from me! We play the hide and seek, yes? You hide, I seek! Very good! Fun! Fun! Fun!"

"Mr. Balowski!" Rick got up and shouted. "What are you doing, scaring us half to death like that!?"

"It's okay, Mr. Prick! It's only your friend Jerzy! See me? Here! Don't get your vaggie all sanded up, if you please!"

"My name's _Rick_, you foreign tit! And I am _not _your friend! I'm buggered off, that's what I am!"

An explosion in the distance then caused everyone to pause for a moment as screams of pain and horror followed soon after. Alarmed, Balowski shut the front door and locked it as the four men ran around the house in a panic.

"Oh, wow man!" Neal flailed about. "This is the end!"

It was now apparent that the horde of zombies was outside the house as a rhythmic pounding and scratching emanated from the distance.

"They're here!" Rick screeched. "They've come to eat my bottom!"

"All right, nobody panic!" Mike shook in place. "Zombies can smell fear. They like it when their prey jitters like a man with Parkinson's riding a mechanical bull."

"Uh, Mike? You're shaking." Vyvyan pointed out as he punched a hole in the wall needlessly.

"Good observation, Vyv. I'll depend on you when the time comes to sacrifice one of our own."

"That's a brilliant idea, Mike!" Neal exclaimed. "One of us will have to go out there and sacrifice ourselves to keep 'em busy while the rest of us come up with a way to get out of here!"

Jerzy nodded. "Da! Now who is it to be getting eaten? I vote Neal!"

"I second that." Mike clicked his tongue.

"Neal! Neal! Give 'em Neal!" Rick jumped up and down.

Vyvyan then lifted Neal up and carried him over to the front door much to the hippie's protest. "Right, Neal! Off you go!"

"Wait a minute, don't I get a say in all this!?" The Young One pleaded.

With a heavy sigh, Vyvyan rolled his eyes and nodded. "All right, Neal. Who do you vote?"

"Well what's the point, really? You're only gonna feed me to them anyway, right? So why bother?"

"You know what your problem is, Neal!?" Rick stepped forward. "You're too damn selfish to do the right thing and protect the only people who ever cared about you!"

"When have you ever cared for me, Rick?"

The people's poet thought for a moment then snapped his fingers. "Ah! The time I put Drano in your tea and watched you chug it down with ease!"

"That burned my insides, man! How was that taking care of me!?"

"Well, it let you go poopies much easier without all that traffic in the way!"

"Yeah but he stunk up the whole bloomin' lavatory!" An angry Vyvyan slammed Neal's head against the door in resentment

The front door was then punched through, causing Vyvyan to drop Neal and face the enemy alone. With a menacing smile and a psychotic laugh, Vyvyan flipped the zombies off and challenged them forth.

"Come on, you girlies!" He hollered. "I'm not afraid of some snotty faced wankers of the undead!"

"What do we do?" Jerzy shielded himself with a seat cushion.

"Hey, I got it!" Vyvyan rushed over to the group. "I say we beat them to the punch and eat ourselves!"

Mike thought for a moment then shrugged. "That's an idea, I suppose. Why don't you give it a try, Vyv, and tell us how it turns out?"

"Will do, Michael!" The punk saluted as he started to nibble on his leg.

One of the zombies managed to poke its head through and gazed its yellow eyes towards Neal while smacking its rotting lips.

"Oh, great." The hippie groaned. "I think its got the hots for me."

"Here, zombies!" Rick shoved Neal forward. "You want a little snack? Come and get it!" 

"Hey, man!" Neal whined. "That's definitely not cool!"

"Quick!" Mike shouted. "Lift the sofa up and block the doorway!"

In no time at all, Mike, Jerzy and Vyvyan pulled the sofa over to the doorway and lifted it over the entrance. Annoyed, Rick let go of Neal and threw a bit of a hissy fit.

"Damn! I thought for sure they'd eat you!" He growled.

"There. That should hold 'em." Mike said as he and the others backed away next to a window.

Neal then got an idea. "Hey, Mike? Suppose they get all smart-like and find another way to get in."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

Suddenly, one of the creature's hands smashed through the window and grabbed Neal in a chokehold much to his surprise.

"Huh…" Mike scratched his head. "Didn't think about that."

Soon another zombie broke through the glass and bit right through Neal's arm, removing a huge chunk of flesh in the process.

"Oh, heavy!" Neal droned on. "Just my luck to get bitten, isn't it? _Me_! A vegetarian!"

After chewing on the piece of skin for a moment, the zombie became totally disgusted by the taste and spit it out.

"Oh, that's real nice." Neal whined some more. "I become your dinner and then you spit me out like week-old mincemeat pie. Yeah, that's etiquette for you!"

"Aah!" Rick shrieked. "Neal's been bitten! He's going to become one of _them_! He'll be after my bottom next!"

"Everyone back away from the windows!" Mike ordered.

Vyvyan relished the moment and jabbed Neal with his finger, trying to provoke his innards to fall out. "C'mon, Neal! Let's start seeing some droppings!"

"Really, man…" Neal burped. "It's bad enough I'm gonna turn into one of them but the last thing I need is for my insides to go _out_side, you know what I mean?"

"Sure I do! But I don't care!"

Jerzy laughed and sang a song, unafraid of the terror that surrounded them. "Yes! We're gonna die! Is good fun, right? Yeah! All right! High fives for everyone! Come on! Up top!"

"Balowski!" Rick stomped his foot. "You bastard! You questioned my sexuality, didn't you!?"

Mike gave Rick a confused look. "What are you going on about, Rick?"

"He said for me not to get my vaggie all sanded up! He called me a woman when he knows damn well that I have a flopsy rather than a vaggie!"

"What, has he seen it?"

Rick then gave Mike a mocking grin. "Oh, ha ha! Very funny, Mike! Let's all poke fun at Rick when he's about to meet his maker!"

"Hey, listen Rick…" Neal said as he sniffed all around his companion's shirt. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, man, but I'm rather starting to find your bum a bit tasty right now."

"Neal! How dare you!?" Rick snapped at him. "Now's not the time to go all pervo on us right now! I mean, I know I'm unbelievably attractive and downright sexy but you're just gonna have to hold in those disgusting urges of yours and contribute to the safety of this team!"

"Balowski's dead!" Vyvan exclaimed as he kicked the landlord's head around like a soccer ball. "Er, sort of…"

"Hey, stop that!" The man demanded. "I am getting to be dizzy and whatnots, eh?"

In a matter of hours, the entire house had been breached and the Young Ones suffered their most horrible fate as they all became children of the undead. As they marched along the desolated city streets, looking for their next meal, the Young Ones remained their usual selves with all the bickering and fighting and endless shouting.

"Well at least I got to keep my hair." Mike said as he walked along the group of zombies.

"And my bottom!" Rick said, unaware that Neal snuck in a bite or two earlier.

"So what's gonna happen to us now?" Neal asked as he held onto Balowski's head. "I still want to be a vegetarian, y'know?"

"These things are great!" An un-zombified Vyvyan exclaimed as he chewed on the remains of Balowski's leg. "You don't have to eat around the bone or nothing! It just falls off!"

"How did you manage to avoid getting bitten?" Mike asked.

"I've laid around in so much filth, no bugger would touch me. Bastards! You don't know what's good for ya!"

"Let them be, Vyvyan!" Rick patted him on the back. "We don't need to follow their values and principles! We've got our own outlook on life now! Or in this case, afterlife! After all, we're Young Ones!"

"Don't you mean Dead Ones?" Mike suggested.

"Yes, whatever! Dead Young Ones!"

"Hey, where's this group headed? And what's this Umbrella Corporation I keep hearing of?" Neal asked as his nose fell off. "Oh, man. Heavy…"

_**END**_

_**A/N: Sucky ending, I know. But as I said, it's my first attempt and there might be more to come in the future if I get enough encouragement. Until then, I remain hidden in the farthest reaches of your mind. Later!**_


End file.
